by Jacquie Beech, Reach Therapist Intern
There’s a big difference between parenting a child who is 12 versus one who is 18, and certainly it’s best to use these tips sooner than later. But anytime is a good time to start changing behavior for the better! The following tips are meant to be used as suggestions and do not take the place of therapy or emergency procedures – should the need arise.
1) Open Doors. The adolescent years, in particular, present real life ethical dilemmas for our kids to practice their decision-making, gain information about important topics, and develop their own values. If you want to be a resource to help your adolescent in these areas, this won’t spontaneously occur WHEN the situation arises. Plant lots of seeds about your desire to be available and be sure to walk the walk when it happens. Don’t get carried away on the soap box on every little thing. The smaller dilemmas may be a testing ground for them to see that you really mean you are there to be a resource for their development. Here’s the caveat to that…
2) Remove Doors. “Opening Doors’ does NOT mean to be a door mat. When there’s a behavior that is punishable, follow through. One of the most effective punishments I have seen (and heard from adolescents) is the removal of their door. Keep in mind that punishment is most effective when it is immediate, consistent, and appropriate. (And, the Goldilocks principle of “just right” applies here – long enough to make the point, but not too long where they figure out that being extremely LOUD in their room will want to make you put the door back on.)
That is, the punishment should fit the crime and if you SAY you are going to punish for X offense, DO it so they know your word is valid. And, one warning seems reasonable. For example, slamming their bedroom door may be such an offense in your home. Let the adolescent know the door will be removed if there is another incident of slamming it. (I recommend once you voice the warning, check to make sure you have the tools to remove the door and have a place in mind for where you will store the door once you remove it – as it really takes away the sting if you have to walk around the house looking for a place to put said door!) Now, in relation to that…
3) Reinforcement Usually Works Better than Punishment. While punishment aims at decreasing an undesired behavior, reinforcement seeks to shape the desired one. Refer to the bumper sticker you’ve likely seen, “Wag more; bark less.”
Incidentally, if we are barking less, we have more time to…
4) Listen Listen Listen. Adolescents are not typically known for initiating rich, flowing, lengthy conversations with parents (although some do!). However, when they do talk – listen. When you have the opportunity to hear them talking with their friends – listen. When you are tempted to say what they’re doing wrong and how you suggest they do it better – just listen. Keep listening. Their brains are on fire developing during this time and they need to talk it out. Be an example in how you live your life – they see it. They see everything even if they don’t say it. But in the meantime, practice listening so you can learn more about who your child is and how he/she is developing. Once they see that you genuinely want to hear what they have to say, they just might want to…
5) Spend Time Together. Many adolescents typically don’t like engaging in endless (or any) conversation about chores, grades, homework, etc., even though that may be a necessary evil. But they do like to hang out with their parent(s) in casual, low-key, fun ways. Pay attention to what your child likes to do – perhaps a TV show you have in common. Try to begin a ritual where you do it together and purposely DON’T talk about any of the above mentioned topics – just enjoy each other. Start out in small increments where you both enjoy it and then walk away and look forward to the next time.
Our time with our kids seems to get cut exponentially once they become teenagers. And, realistically we may know progressively less about how they spend their time. For many parents, during the elementary and middle school years, you used to drop them off places and talk to other parents and stay very involved. That may likely become scarce as their independence grows. We just have to find different ways to stay involved as they become adults and learn to handle their lives on their own. It is the natural order of things (even if we feel we could do a better job of living their life :)
Come see us at Reach where we will help you to adjust to the changing needs of you, your child, and your family as everyone develops and grows.
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