How to be in Control of Your Life (Part 2)

So why is it that best friends usually don’t try to control each other?  I think it’s because best friendships begin and continue with a fundamentally different assumption than romantic relationships, or parent/child relationships, an assumption that is actually the recipe for any and every healthy relationship, a recipe summed up in one word:

Differentiation:

The balance of autonomy and intimacy

The ability to separate our thoughts from our emotions

And ourselves from others.

Best friends seem to naturally blend autonomy and intimacy, balancing togetherness and separateness.  Yes, they do still “own” each other; they still say, “This  is my best friend.”  But it’s possible to have more than one best friend, or to share the best friendship with other friends, associates, romantic partners, or parents.  This is because friends tend to be drawn together by a unique commonality they  share.  C.S. Lewis says it well in his book “The Four Loves.”

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one person says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” 

In other words, because friends aren’t primarily focused on each other or their ownership of each other, they tend to not seek control of each other.  But in relationships where the other is the focus, where there is a beautiful and mutual ownership, we may want to control what belongs to us, or who belongs to us.  Spouses belong to each other.  Parents belong to their children, and children belong to their parents.  When we own something, or someone, we tend to want to determine and be certain of its actions, or their actions.

(Concluded in Part 3)

How to be in Control of Your Life

How to be in Control of Your Life

Olatunde Howard

I want what you want:  Mastery over “me.”  The key is the word “me.”  Think about that with me.  Think about any relationship problem you're having right now, as you read. Tell me if I'm right:  

1. Someone is trying to get you to do something you don't want to do.
2. You're trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do.
3. Both 1&2.

Tell me if I'm wrong.  Really.  In the comment section, tell me if you have a relationship problem that doesn't involve 1-3.  Mine can be summed up nicely---by those three things.  But when I only focus on controlling my life, both I and my loved ones are happier.  You’ve probably experienced the same without knowing it.  I’ll show you how.

Think about your best friend.   When you think about him or her, what do you like about your relationship?  I know what I like about my best friend.  We like each other.  Because we like each other, we talk every other week…of our own free will.  I don’t make him call me, and he doesn’t make me call him. 

In other words, in friendships, especially best friendships, we don’t usually attempt to control each other.  But why is that?  (Stay tuned for part 2.)

Photo credit: https://flic.kr/p/Le8ZAc

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

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Getting Through When Things Are Tough - Do Something!

I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to turn on the news. Several times this week I started my day hearing about shootings, bombings, fires, and now vans. It's enough to make you want to stay in bed and pull the covers over your head! Or hit something!

Neither response helps you or anyone else, though. So you get up and keep going, even when you feel overwhelmed and powerless. What can you to to make a difference - for yourself, for your family, for your community?
The most important thing is to do something. Staying still is to be stuck, to be hopeless. Instead, do something different each day. It doesn't have to be a huge change -

• Smile on your commute to work or school (and turn off talk radio). Research shows that smiling helps change your mood and the attitude of those around you.
• Cuddle with your children, pets, and/or significant other. Research shows that humans need physical contact to confirm that they're connected and loved.
• Take a break, especially in nature. I know it's hot, but get out early and/or in the shade. Being in the natural world has uplifting effects on mood and attitude.
• Take care of yourself. The "put your own oxygen on first" story is well-known for a reason - it's true! At Pfeiffer Institute Reach you can talk to a competent professional at an affordable rate. You might be surprised how much better it can feel to talk to someone who's there to listen.
• Help someone else. Volunteer, pay it forward, help load groceries for a stranger - something to remind yourself that you can make a difference, even if it doesn't make the news.

Let's hope the news gets better soon. In the meantime, do what you can to take care of yourself and your neighbor. Come see us to Reach for a better tomorrow!

Celebrate Independence!

Happy Independence Day Weekend! Enjoy your time with family and friends. Pfeiffer Institute Reach will be closed Monday, 7/4/16, but will reopen for regular hours on Tuesday. 

Reach for a better tomorrow!

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