How to be in Control of Your Life (Part 2)

So why is it that best friends usually don’t try to control each other?  I think it’s because best friendships begin and continue with a fundamentally different assumption than romantic relationships, or parent/child relationships, an assumption that is actually the recipe for any and every healthy relationship, a recipe summed up in one word:

Differentiation:

The balance of autonomy and intimacy

The ability to separate our thoughts from our emotions

And ourselves from others.

Best friends seem to naturally blend autonomy and intimacy, balancing togetherness and separateness.  Yes, they do still “own” each other; they still say, “This  is my best friend.”  But it’s possible to have more than one best friend, or to share the best friendship with other friends, associates, romantic partners, or parents.  This is because friends tend to be drawn together by a unique commonality they  share.  C.S. Lewis says it well in his book “The Four Loves.”

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one person says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” 

In other words, because friends aren’t primarily focused on each other or their ownership of each other, they tend to not seek control of each other.  But in relationships where the other is the focus, where there is a beautiful and mutual ownership, we may want to control what belongs to us, or who belongs to us.  Spouses belong to each other.  Parents belong to their children, and children belong to their parents.  When we own something, or someone, we tend to want to determine and be certain of its actions, or their actions.

(Concluded in Part 3)

How to be in Control of Your Life

How to be in Control of Your Life

Olatunde Howard

I want what you want:  Mastery over “me.”  The key is the word “me.”  Think about that with me.  Think about any relationship problem you're having right now, as you read. Tell me if I'm right:  

1. Someone is trying to get you to do something you don't want to do.
2. You're trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do.
3. Both 1&2.

Tell me if I'm wrong.  Really.  In the comment section, tell me if you have a relationship problem that doesn't involve 1-3.  Mine can be summed up nicely---by those three things.  But when I only focus on controlling my life, both I and my loved ones are happier.  You’ve probably experienced the same without knowing it.  I’ll show you how.

Think about your best friend.   When you think about him or her, what do you like about your relationship?  I know what I like about my best friend.  We like each other.  Because we like each other, we talk every other week…of our own free will.  I don’t make him call me, and he doesn’t make me call him. 

In other words, in friendships, especially best friendships, we don’t usually attempt to control each other.  But why is that?  (Stay tuned for part 2.)

Photo credit: https://flic.kr/p/Le8ZAc

Invest in Your Relationship

by Annette Snider, Reach Therapist Intern

How much are you investing in your relationship? Would you like to see that investment pay off?

Prepare/Enrich is a relationship assessment tool that really zeros in on the areas and issues in every relationship. This assessment will be tailor made based on your answers. The assessment provides you with valuable information about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. It highlights the relationship strengths and also where there are opportunities for growth. It is not a test so you don’t need to worry about passing it.

As a Prepare/Enrich facilitator, I have found this tool can benefit couples at any stage of their relationship. If you are considering premarital counseling, Prepare Enrich asks all the questions you might not know to ask before you are married. If you want to enrich your relationship, the Prepare/Enrich assessment clearly indicates the areas of focus. If your relationship feels like it is in trouble, the assessment and accompanying curriculum provide tools to explore and pinpoint specific areas of concern.

Relationships are precious and need to be nurtured to thrive. For a $35.00 assessment fee a couple receives an accurate relationship inventory. Pfeiffer Institute Reach is offering a Prepare/Enrich workshop on Saturday, April 2nd. Please join us and see your investment grow!

Improve Your Relationship!

Take a LEAP!

It's time to balance the calendar with a 366th day! What will you do with your "extra" day? 

According to timeanddate.com, Leap Day is when women are allowed to propose to men:

According to an old Irish legend, or possibly history, St Brigid struck a deal with St Patrick to allow women to propose to men – and not just the other way around – every four years.

This is believed to have been introduced to balance the traditional roles of men and women in a similar way to how leap day balances the calendar.

You might not choose to do something quite that monumental, but this sort of occasion does prompt us to think about how we spend our days, and with whom, and what that relationship means to us. Take the opportunity to express your gratitude to and for your partner, your friends, your family. If those relationships are not all you want them to be, remember there is affordable and confidential individual, couple, and family therapy available at Pfeiffer Institute Reach. LEAP for it, and reach for a better tomorrow!

Relationship Dynamics and Feedback Loops

     One of my favorite things about using the Prepare/Enrich assessment is the amazing amount of useful information contained in the report. For example, there are sections on personal stress, communication, conflict resolution, and much more. In the space of an hour, the couple provides detailed information that I, as the trained facilitator, can then use to help target and guide our sessions together. Very efficient and effective!
     One of the first sections I review is Relationship Dynamics, which consists of four elements: assertiveness, self-confidence, avoidance, and partner dominance. As implied by the word “dynamics” (according to Dictionary.com, “pertaining to or characterized by energy or effective action”), the elements interact with each other in particular ways. For example, assertiveness, or the ability to “say what you mean and mean what you say” without being mean, is related to self-confidence (how positive you feel about yourself and your abilities). It makes sense that someone who has high self-confidence is able to be assertive, and vice versa. Likewise, someone low in assertiveness will probably express low self-confidence. We call that type of mutual influence a “feedback loop.” Because these two elements relate in this way, changes made to one will affect the other; if a trained facilitator helps a partner be more assertive in his/her communication, that partner’s his/her self-confidence will likely increase.

     Similarly, avoidance – the tendency to “beat around the bush” rather than explicitly state wants or needs – is related to partner dominance, or how much one feels dominated by their partner. Again, the connection makes sense: when a partner feels controlled, s/he is unlikely to feel s/he can speak up plainly. In this case, though, the feedback loop has negative consequences: as avoidance increases, partner dominance is likely to increase as well, which is detrimental for the relationship. A trained facilitator can still use this loop to advantage by decreasing avoidance (i.e., helping a partner clearly express wants and needs), which allows the “dominating” partner to step back.
     As you can see, just the information contained in this one section of the report tells me a lot about the couple – about each partner, about the relationship, and about where I can make suggestions for change. Like the entire Prepare/Enrich assessment, this section is not about who is to blame or how one person is wrong. Both partners are involved in problem creation and maintenance, as well as resolution and improvement. The information about Relationship Dynamics helps me know how to help the couple make changes to strengthen and improve their relationship – that’s what it’s all about!
     Remember, there are several Therapist Interns at Pfeiffer Institute Reach who are trained Prepare/Enrich facilitators, and the services are affordable. Schedule your appointment today! 919-941-2900 or pfeiffer.reach@pfeiffer.edu

Laura Bryan, PhD, LMFT
This post can also be found on the Prepare/Enrich blog: https://blog.prepare-enrich.com/2015/11/relationship-dynamics-feedback-loops/

More Prepare/Enrich Facilitators On the Way!

This weekend, six Therapist Interns at Pfeiffer Institute Reach will participate in a training workshop to become facilitators for Prepare/Enrich. That will bring us to a total of ELEVEN Therapist Interns trained as guides through the Prepare/Enrich process. It's is a great time to have this additional training, since during the month of February the FIRST COUPLE SESSION is FREE! 

What is Prepare/Enrich? It's an online assessment that couples complete on their own time, then meet with a trained facilitator to go over the results. The assessment is customized for each couple, and explores both strength and growth areas over the course of 4-8 sessions. The facilitator helps the couple examine their results, learn communication skills, identify stressors, resolve conflict, explore family issues, and establish personal and relationship goals.

Prepare/Enrich is often used with premarital and dating couples, as it is a good way to explore topics that are often avoided in beginning relationships (things like money, sex, kids...). Prepare/Enrich can also benefit established relationships by highlighting strengths that might have been forgotten, and examining growth areas in new and productive ways. The assessment can be used for both enrichment and counseling. Click here to learn more about the assessment, including the strong research support.

The Prepare/Enrich assessment is an additional charge ($35 per couple), but with the low cost of sessions at Reach - and the first couple session FREE during February - it's a great investment in the future of your relationship! Call today (919-941-2900) and ask for a Prepare/Enrich Therapist Intern!

FIRST COUPLE SESSION FREE!

For the entire month of February, 

the first couple session at

Pfeiffer Institute Reach is FREE!!

In couple therapy:

© Recognize and enhance the strengths in your relationship

© Learn how to “fight fair”

© Facilitate difficult conversations with your partner

© Increase insight and  understanding

© Revive your relationship and increase intimacy

© Subsequent sessions are only $30, sliding scale available

© Individual, couple, and family therapy

© Appointments available day, evening, and weekends

© Confidential, professional, affordable

Reach for a better tomorrow!

919-941-2900         contact@pfeifferreach.org

More Therapist Interns Trained in Prepare/Enrich

This past weekend, four Therapist Interns participated in a training workshop which qualified them as Prepare/Enrich Facilitators. This brings us to a grand total of NINE trained facilitators. What does this mean for you? I'll let the creators speak for themselves (this information is copied from the website; emphases mine).

     PREPARE/ENRICH is the leading relationship inventory and skill-building program used nationally and internationally.  It is built on a solid research foundation and significantly improves a couple's relationship. PREPARE/ENRICH is custom tailored to a couple's relationship and provides couple exercises to build their relationship skills.
     The main component of the program is an online survey you each complete in about 30-45 minutes. PREPARE/ENRICH is not just any survey. The items you respond to are based on research and are intended to help you identify the unique strengths and potential growth areas of your premarital or married relationship. You'll meet with a facilitator trained to provide feedback by helping you understand your results and learn important relationship skills. Built on a solid research foundation, PREPARE/ENRICH has been improved and refined over the years to become one of the best, most effective, easy-to-use relationship assessment tools available.
     PREPARE/ENRICH is a customized couple assessment completed online that identifies a couple's strength and growth areas. It is one of the most widely used programs for premarital counseling and premarital education. It is also used for marriage counseling, marriage enrichment, and dating couples considering engagement. Based on a couple's assessment results, a trained facilitator provides 4-8 feedback sessions in which the facilitator helps the couple discuss and understand their results as they are taught proven relationship skills.

Did this sound interesting to you? At Pfeiffer Institute Reach, you can work with a Therapist Intern trained as a Prepare/Enrich Facilitator for a low per-session cost ($30, with a sliding scale for those in need). There are even specialized versions of Prepare/Enrich for couples considering adopting or fostering a child, and for any couples who are parents. The assessment itself is $35. A minor monetary investment in a priceless relationship!