How to be in Control of Your Life (Part 2)

So why is it that best friends usually don’t try to control each other?  I think it’s because best friendships begin and continue with a fundamentally different assumption than romantic relationships, or parent/child relationships, an assumption that is actually the recipe for any and every healthy relationship, a recipe summed up in one word:

Differentiation:

The balance of autonomy and intimacy

The ability to separate our thoughts from our emotions

And ourselves from others.

Best friends seem to naturally blend autonomy and intimacy, balancing togetherness and separateness.  Yes, they do still “own” each other; they still say, “This  is my best friend.”  But it’s possible to have more than one best friend, or to share the best friendship with other friends, associates, romantic partners, or parents.  This is because friends tend to be drawn together by a unique commonality they  share.  C.S. Lewis says it well in his book “The Four Loves.”

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one person says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” 

In other words, because friends aren’t primarily focused on each other or their ownership of each other, they tend to not seek control of each other.  But in relationships where the other is the focus, where there is a beautiful and mutual ownership, we may want to control what belongs to us, or who belongs to us.  Spouses belong to each other.  Parents belong to their children, and children belong to their parents.  When we own something, or someone, we tend to want to determine and be certain of its actions, or their actions.

(Concluded in Part 3)

How to be in Control of Your Life

How to be in Control of Your Life

Olatunde Howard

I want what you want:  Mastery over “me.”  The key is the word “me.”  Think about that with me.  Think about any relationship problem you're having right now, as you read. Tell me if I'm right:  

1. Someone is trying to get you to do something you don't want to do.
2. You're trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do.
3. Both 1&2.

Tell me if I'm wrong.  Really.  In the comment section, tell me if you have a relationship problem that doesn't involve 1-3.  Mine can be summed up nicely---by those three things.  But when I only focus on controlling my life, both I and my loved ones are happier.  You’ve probably experienced the same without knowing it.  I’ll show you how.

Think about your best friend.   When you think about him or her, what do you like about your relationship?  I know what I like about my best friend.  We like each other.  Because we like each other, we talk every other week…of our own free will.  I don’t make him call me, and he doesn’t make me call him. 

In other words, in friendships, especially best friendships, we don’t usually attempt to control each other.  But why is that?  (Stay tuned for part 2.)

Photo credit: https://flic.kr/p/Le8ZAc

Take a LEAP!

It's time to balance the calendar with a 366th day! What will you do with your "extra" day? 

According to timeanddate.com, Leap Day is when women are allowed to propose to men:

According to an old Irish legend, or possibly history, St Brigid struck a deal with St Patrick to allow women to propose to men – and not just the other way around – every four years.

This is believed to have been introduced to balance the traditional roles of men and women in a similar way to how leap day balances the calendar.

You might not choose to do something quite that monumental, but this sort of occasion does prompt us to think about how we spend our days, and with whom, and what that relationship means to us. Take the opportunity to express your gratitude to and for your partner, your friends, your family. If those relationships are not all you want them to be, remember there is affordable and confidential individual, couple, and family therapy available at Pfeiffer Institute Reach. LEAP for it, and reach for a better tomorrow!