How to be in Control of Your Life (Part
2)
So why is it that best friends usually don’t try to control each
other? I think it’s because best
friendships begin and continue with a fundamentally different assumption than
romantic relationships, or parent/child relationships, an assumption that is
actually the recipe for any and every healthy relationship, a recipe summed up
in one word:
Differentiation:
The balance of autonomy and
intimacy
The ability to separate our thoughts
from our emotions
And ourselves from others.
Best friends seem to
naturally blend autonomy and intimacy, balancing togetherness and
separateness. Yes, they do still “own”
each other; they still say, “This is my best friend.” But it’s possible to have more than one best
friend, or to share the best friendship with other friends, associates,
romantic partners, or parents. This is
because friends tend to be drawn together by a unique commonality they share.
C.S. Lewis says it well in his book “The Four Loves.”
“Friendship ... is born at the moment when
one person says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but
myself . . .”
In other words,
because friends aren’t primarily focused on each other or their ownership of
each other, they tend to not seek control of each other. But in relationships where the other is the
focus, where there is a beautiful and mutual ownership, we may want to control
what belongs to us, or who belongs to us.
Spouses belong to each other.
Parents belong to their children, and children belong to their
parents. When we own something, or
someone, we tend to want to determine and be certain of its actions, or their
actions.
(Concluded in Part
3)
