How to be in Control of Your Life (Part 2)

So why is it that best friends usually don’t try to control each other?  I think it’s because best friendships begin and continue with a fundamentally different assumption than romantic relationships, or parent/child relationships, an assumption that is actually the recipe for any and every healthy relationship, a recipe summed up in one word:

Differentiation:

The balance of autonomy and intimacy

The ability to separate our thoughts from our emotions

And ourselves from others.

Best friends seem to naturally blend autonomy and intimacy, balancing togetherness and separateness.  Yes, they do still “own” each other; they still say, “This  is my best friend.”  But it’s possible to have more than one best friend, or to share the best friendship with other friends, associates, romantic partners, or parents.  This is because friends tend to be drawn together by a unique commonality they  share.  C.S. Lewis says it well in his book “The Four Loves.”

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one person says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” 

In other words, because friends aren’t primarily focused on each other or their ownership of each other, they tend to not seek control of each other.  But in relationships where the other is the focus, where there is a beautiful and mutual ownership, we may want to control what belongs to us, or who belongs to us.  Spouses belong to each other.  Parents belong to their children, and children belong to their parents.  When we own something, or someone, we tend to want to determine and be certain of its actions, or their actions.

(Concluded in Part 3)

How to be in Control of Your Life

How to be in Control of Your Life

Olatunde Howard

I want what you want:  Mastery over “me.”  The key is the word “me.”  Think about that with me.  Think about any relationship problem you're having right now, as you read. Tell me if I'm right:  

1. Someone is trying to get you to do something you don't want to do.
2. You're trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do.
3. Both 1&2.

Tell me if I'm wrong.  Really.  In the comment section, tell me if you have a relationship problem that doesn't involve 1-3.  Mine can be summed up nicely---by those three things.  But when I only focus on controlling my life, both I and my loved ones are happier.  You’ve probably experienced the same without knowing it.  I’ll show you how.

Think about your best friend.   When you think about him or her, what do you like about your relationship?  I know what I like about my best friend.  We like each other.  Because we like each other, we talk every other week…of our own free will.  I don’t make him call me, and he doesn’t make me call him. 

In other words, in friendships, especially best friendships, we don’t usually attempt to control each other.  But why is that?  (Stay tuned for part 2.)

Photo credit: https://flic.kr/p/Le8ZAc

Children's Social Skills Group - NEW DATE: September 19

Due to scheduling issues, the Children's Social Skills Group will now start Saturday, September 19, from 10:30-11:30am. The group will meet every other Saturday (9/19, 10/3, 10/17, 10/31, 11/14, 11/21). 

RSVP today! 919-941-2900 or Pfeiffer.Reach@Pfeiffer.edu

    The social skills group offered at Pfeiffer Institute Reach provides children ages 5-8 with the opportunity to increase social skills and peer interactions.  The group will sharpen social skills common for this age group, including meeting peers, maintaining friendships, and sharing.  In addition, the group will focus on helping children to respond appropriately to challenging social situations such as losing, apologizing, and identifying and managing emotions.  Children will learn how to identify emotions, and connect emotional experiences to physical feelings through interactive and visual activities.  The group will focus on helping children to manage difficult emotions, such as anger and fear, and connect emotional experiences to social interactions through role-plays and group member interaction. 

    The social skills group is a great opportunity for any child who is experiencing Autism, behavioral issues, ADHD, social delays, anxiety, or emotional dysregulation.  The purpose of the group is to help children learn appropriate social responses, interact well with peers, and regulate emotion.

    The group facilitators, Toni Nicolsen and Nicole McCarthy, are advanced graduate students and therapist interns at Pfeiffer Institute Reach.  Toni has previous experience leading social skills groups for children with behavioral disorders and social anxiety.  She enjoys the interactive nature of a group setting and helping children engage in social and emotional experiences through hands-on activities and building peer relationships.  Nicole has been working with young children for several years, and has experience helping children to improve their social/emotional skills.  She enjoys helping children to better understand their emotions, while giving them tools to cope and express themselves in positive ways.

RSVP today! 919-941-2900 or Pfeiffer.Reach@Pfeiffer.edu