How to be in Control of Your Life (Part 2)

So why is it that best friends usually don’t try to control each other?  I think it’s because best friendships begin and continue with a fundamentally different assumption than romantic relationships, or parent/child relationships, an assumption that is actually the recipe for any and every healthy relationship, a recipe summed up in one word:

Differentiation:

The balance of autonomy and intimacy

The ability to separate our thoughts from our emotions

And ourselves from others.

Best friends seem to naturally blend autonomy and intimacy, balancing togetherness and separateness.  Yes, they do still “own” each other; they still say, “This  is my best friend.”  But it’s possible to have more than one best friend, or to share the best friendship with other friends, associates, romantic partners, or parents.  This is because friends tend to be drawn together by a unique commonality they  share.  C.S. Lewis says it well in his book “The Four Loves.”

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one person says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” 

In other words, because friends aren’t primarily focused on each other or their ownership of each other, they tend to not seek control of each other.  But in relationships where the other is the focus, where there is a beautiful and mutual ownership, we may want to control what belongs to us, or who belongs to us.  Spouses belong to each other.  Parents belong to their children, and children belong to their parents.  When we own something, or someone, we tend to want to determine and be certain of its actions, or their actions.

(Concluded in Part 3)

February: The Month of Couples

by Milliann Abrams
   
     As February is now upon us, Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. It is a holiday that couples spend together, celebrating their love. It is also a time to think about what factors go into that relationship to make it so successful. Communication, trust, and commitment are certainly important qualities in maintaining a successful relationship. What else maintains that successful, satisfying relationship? Closeness? Satisfaction? Intimacy? Happiness? Similarity? Differentness?

     Each couple is unique. What works for one couple might not work for another. It is important to be aware of your own needs and wants and also your partners when in a romantic relationship. One way to do this is through check-ins with your partner, spending time addressing how you both feel about the relationship.

     Hitting speed bumps or obstacles can be common in romantic relationships, especially new ones where both partners are still learning about each other and what it means to be a couple. Resolving those issues successfully is key to a healthy functioning relationship where both partners are satisfied.

     Sometimes relationships get tested, but these factors help to keep couples bonded. If you are struggling with any of these elements, want to strengthen your bond with your partner, need help resolving any obstacles, or are just curious, Pfeiffer Institute Reach offers Prepare/Enrich assessments and therapy for couples. Make an appointment to see a Prepare/ and Enrich- trained therapist intern today!

Make SMART Goals for Your Relationship!

by Laura Bryan, PhD, LMFT, Clinic Director

The beginning of the year is usually a time for making resolutions to improve -- your diet, your exercise, your time management, whatever the case may be. Sometimes resolutions are made to improve your relationship. Check out this podcast from Pfeiffer Institute Reach Clinic Director Laura Bryan for tips on how to make resolutions for your relationship that are likely to last all year long! If you would like help in making or keeping personal or relationship resolutions, contact Reach today: 919-941-2900 or www.pfeifferreach.org. 

Make it a great year -- Reach for a better tomorrow!