Child Abuse Prevention Month

April is designated Child Abuse Prevention Month, a time set aside to focus our awareness on the importance of a happy, healthy childhood. Children thrive when there are loving and supportive adults in their lives, and thriving children result in a healthy and balanced community. When children are neglected or abused, it affects their development for years to come, causing personal and community cost. 

This month, learn what you can do to make your home and community safe and supportive for children. You can find a lot of great information at Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina. If you need support, remember you can always reach out to Pfeiffer Institute Reach for low cost individual, couple, or family therapy. We want to help you make the changes you need.

Reach for a better tomorrow!

Parenting and Prepare/Enrich

Does this picture look familiar: Angry and frustrated parent trying to get across to a child who seems to be resistant and disrespectful? If that's you - or if you worry that could be you in the future - Pfeiffer Institute Reach has a few ways to help.

1. FREE Parenting Workshop: On Saturday, September 20, there will be a FREE Parenting Workshop focused on appropriate discipline and building a positive relationship with your child. At the same time, there will be a workshop for children ages 6-12 where kids can learn about emotional regulation in a fun and creative environment. Call 919-941-2900 today to reserve your place at the workshop.

2. Couple or family therapy focused on kids and parents: You can schedule an appointment with a Therapist Intern who is trained to talk to you, your-co-parent, and your kids about how to make family life better. No matter the issue - going to bed at a reasonable hour, getting homework done, relationships with siblings or peers, communication among family members - sitting down with someone trained to help can be a great investment of time and money that really pays off in the near and distant future.

3. Prepare/Enrich, the online relationship assessment tool, has a new version specifically to help couples with parenting issues. Maybe you and your partner have different parenting styles, maybe you're creating a blended family, or maybe you need to strengthen communication with your children and partner. Remember, Pfeiffer Institute Reach has nine Therapist Interns trained as Prepare/Enrich facilitators. You can meet with them to go over your Prepare/Enrich Parenting Version results and decide what's going to work best for your family in the future.

Don't have kids yet? You can take the "regular" version of Prepare/Enrich and find out more about your own approach and your partner's.

Make the first step to improve your family relationships - Call Pfeiffer Institute Reach today!

More Therapist Interns Trained in Prepare/Enrich

This past weekend, four Therapist Interns participated in a training workshop which qualified them as Prepare/Enrich Facilitators. This brings us to a grand total of NINE trained facilitators. What does this mean for you? I'll let the creators speak for themselves (this information is copied from the website; emphases mine).

     PREPARE/ENRICH is the leading relationship inventory and skill-building program used nationally and internationally.  It is built on a solid research foundation and significantly improves a couple's relationship. PREPARE/ENRICH is custom tailored to a couple's relationship and provides couple exercises to build their relationship skills.
     The main component of the program is an online survey you each complete in about 30-45 minutes. PREPARE/ENRICH is not just any survey. The items you respond to are based on research and are intended to help you identify the unique strengths and potential growth areas of your premarital or married relationship. You'll meet with a facilitator trained to provide feedback by helping you understand your results and learn important relationship skills. Built on a solid research foundation, PREPARE/ENRICH has been improved and refined over the years to become one of the best, most effective, easy-to-use relationship assessment tools available.
     PREPARE/ENRICH is a customized couple assessment completed online that identifies a couple's strength and growth areas. It is one of the most widely used programs for premarital counseling and premarital education. It is also used for marriage counseling, marriage enrichment, and dating couples considering engagement. Based on a couple's assessment results, a trained facilitator provides 4-8 feedback sessions in which the facilitator helps the couple discuss and understand their results as they are taught proven relationship skills.

Did this sound interesting to you? At Pfeiffer Institute Reach, you can work with a Therapist Intern trained as a Prepare/Enrich Facilitator for a low per-session cost ($30, with a sliding scale for those in need). There are even specialized versions of Prepare/Enrich for couples considering adopting or fostering a child, and for any couples who are parents. The assessment itself is $35. A minor monetary investment in a priceless relationship!

FREE Parenting Workshop with Bonus Children's Workshop

Pfeiffer Institute Reach is offering a FREE workshop designed to help parents learn skills that will improve their relationships with their children.

·       opening channels of communication

·       parenting styles

·       managing inappropriate behaviors

·       setting boundaries

The workshop is open to parents and caregivers; those who attend will receive a voucher for one FREE therapy session.

There will be a FREE children’s workshop for ages 6-12, which is designed to improve skills such as communication and emotional self-regulation in a fun and creative way. 

Saturday

September 20, 2014

10:00AM – 12:00PM

Reserve your seat today!

Pfeiffer Institute Reach

600 Airport Blvd

Suite 600

Morrisville, NC

919-941-2900

contact@pfeifferreach.org

Help! My Child is Diagnosed with ADD!

by Nate Sawyer, Reach Therapist Intern

      What do you do when your child’s teacher sends home a note that says she keeps acting up in class and cannot complete her work? She talks to other children too much, cannot pay attention, and will not complete her schoolwork. Parents often go to one of two extremes: "that is not my kid causing trouble, she just has an overzealous teacher, [child] just has too much energy," or "I cannot deal with her anymore, let's get her to the doctor and see if we can get some medicine!" Unfortunately, many well-meaning parents end up getting ADHD medication for their children from doctors willing to prescribe without trying the most difficult route of affecting their child's behaviors at home. As a therapist and husband to first grade teacher, I see this disturbing trend of over-medicated children. My wife has said that many of her teacher and educational researcher colleagues agree that much of what children are expected to learn in our educational system, especially in elementary school, is not always developmentally age appropriate.
So what do you do when your child is overly energetic? There are a few helpful behavior encouragement techniques to try at home before going to the doctor. In school, teachers often set-up a reward system where stickers are earned for good behavior after a certain agreed upon number are acquired the child receives a prize from the prize box. The most important aspects of this system are clear communication of expectations, follow through, and consistency. It is important for parents to make a big deal and celebrate desired behavior because it will encourage continued good behavior.
       Our technologically-driven society has encouraged a lot less physical activity or time outside, which can lead to much unused energy in children from sitting on the couch watching TV. Parents should schedule regular outdoor play or physical activity into their child's routine.
      Establishing a routine of eating, sleeping, play, and homework is crucial to helping children focus and have continuity in what they do. Children need to be given tasks and goals such as homework or chores to learn how to feel accomplished and how to follow through with projects. The sticker system is helpful to reward completed tasks. It is especially important to give children with tendencies of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD tasks to complete because this is often difficult for them to see things to completion.
       If you try some of these activities and still notice that your child has difficulty paying attention at home and school then you might want to talk to your child's pediatrician about therapy or medication. Medication can be helpful for some who cannot focus, but in order for it to be successful it requires some parenting work, as well. We help lots of parents at Reach, with all kinds of parenting issues. Hang in there parents; talk to their teacher, work with them at home, get some support at Reach, and your hard work might pay off. The difficulty for parents with hyperactive children is often the amount of patience required for the task! Hang in there parents, keep up the hard work, and think of the potential your little one holds!

Raising a Child with Autism: Helpful Tips and Coping Strategies

By Leah Leynor, Reach Therapist Intern 

If you are raising a child with Autism you may often feel stressed, lonely, overwhelmed, and uncertain of what challenges might await you in the days, weeks, or months ahead. Many days might seem like a balancing act as you are trying to focus upon your autistic child as well as the needs of your other family members. It may also seem as though you are misunderstood and that others around do not seem to understand the effects that autism has had upon your family’s life. According to one parent of a special needs child on what she wished the others knew, “I would probably say the stress and impact that autism has on a family structure and marriages. You have to be care giver, therapist, educator, lawyer, maid, and referee at all times your marriage is impacted because you have no energy for one another. You feel guilty because you feel you are neglecting your typical child in some way or fashion because you are doing so much for your autistic child.”

We at Pfeiffer Institute Reach are here to help you find support, develop productive methods to communicate with your spouse and others, and learn strategies to include siblings that will help strengthen family relationships. We will also help you figure out what is or is not working in your routine and schedule that may prove beneficial in providing some of the stability and structure that helps your autistic child to cope with his / her day as well as allows your family to function. We are able to also assist you in working on behavior plans that may include consequences/rewards or incentive charts to promote positive behaviors in your children. It is our hope that you are able to feel supported, understood, and empowered as you continue your journey parenting a child with autism.

If you are impacted by raising a child with Autism, we at Pfeiffer Institute Reach are happy to help you by providing support, education, and coping strategies as you work towards a positive future with your child. Contact Pfeiffer Institute Reach today at 919-941-2900 to RSVP for our free workshop on Raising a Child with Autism: Helpful Tips and Coping Strategies on Thursday, May 22nd and May 24th from 6-8pm.  We look forward to working with you!

“Good Enough” Health??

By Jacquie Beech, Reach Therapist Intern

     If the bar is set to perfection, who will reach it?? Who will even attempt it?? But, what if the bar was set to “good enough??”  Would more people reach for it?? I believe so.
     This concept of “good enough” has been applied in a number of ways by many researchers, psychologists, therapist, counselors, etc. – good enough parenting, good enough marriage, and good enough sex, for example.  May not sound very appealing, but might actually be a roundabout way of making things better.  The idea is that if we have the mindset that things have to be perfect, then upon realizing “perfect” won’t happen, many people give up.  However, if we set the bar to something humanly possible, more people might just give it a shot.
     Life in today’s world is often full of never ending to do lists, splitting one’s time and spreading oneself so thin that nothing ends up getting done well.  In that case, the answer may sometimes be to give up trying altogether.  Why bother??  However, what if we adjust our mindset?? For example, if we say that my house may not be “perfect” but by throwing in a load of laundry before I leave for work, it will be “better.”  I may not be able to spend all the time I want with my kids (in my ideal image of the “perfect” family) – but I can sneak out and grab breakfast with my kid since my boss said we can come in late today.   Doesn’t mean I am a “perfect” parent, but it does mean I had some unstructured, free time with my kid.  I don’t eat the “perfect” diet, but I can cut back on how much sugar I put in my coffee each day – that does mean my health is better.  At the end of the day, my laundry is further ahead than it was, I ended up spending an unplanned morning with my kid, and my sugar intake was better – in all of those areas:  not “perfect,” but “good enough.”
     These are a handful of ways that we can come to more realistic applications of what we can do and maybe leave some time open to enjoy the life we are living.  Here are some more ways to achieve “good enough” status:

• Try meditating.  Research studies show over and over that meditation is good for our mood, immune system, coping with stress, and improves the quality of our relationships.  We may not become a Zen Buddhist, but by meditating 3-5 minutes per day, we get started on improving all those areas.  (And, who knows, over time, maybe we get up to 20 or 30 minutes of meditation!)
• Walk more.  Feeling like we aren’t able to do the 5 am workout at the gym may lead us to believe we are failures in our physical well-being, therefore, why try?? What if we start by parking where we’d have to walk more or take the stairs or walk during lunch – not “perfect” shape, but better.
• Eat healthier.  We may feel inundated by various diets and foods to eat or foods to avoid, etc.  We probably all have a basic idea of what it would mean in our own lives to eat healthier – one slice of pizza instead of 2 or 3; cut out one soda per day, add a smoothie for breakfast.  None of these in and of themselves will change our overall weight or health in a week, but doing one of these will make us healthier than we were before and if it’s a manageable change (versus a drastic one like “I won’t eat any more sugar EVER”) it’s more likely to continue
• Ease off electronics where possible.  It may not be reasonable (or possible) to live without a computer or a smart phone, but we can do it for an hour a day or at the dinner table.  

     The point is, the idea of “good enough” gives us enough mental space where we don’t feel like we have to be perfect, which can sometimes lead to giving up entirely.  The idea of “good enough” might be just enough motivation to help us do that one extra chore or spend a few minutes doing one thing that’s a little healthier and we end up doing far more than we thought possible.
     “Good enough” is another way of introducing balance into our lives.  One of the services we offer at Reach is to help people discover their own balance – what’s healthy for YOU, what change is possible for YOU.  Come visit us at Reach to have a partner as you make “good enough” even better.  What are more areas where you can make your life “good enough?”

Parenting a Child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder

by Milliann Abrams, Reach Therapist Intern

March 30th to April 5th marks National Autism Awareness Week!!

Having a child with this disorder can be tough for everyone involved. Listed below are some helpful tips.
 Being on the same page. Having a congruent parenting team is effective in helping the child to manage and reduce symptoms.
     o It is important for parents to communicate with each other and to make sure you both enforce the same rewards and consequences. One helpful way to do this is to make a list of positive and negative behaviors and what their rewards and consequences will be. These are also proven to be more effective when the child is enlisted to think of some rewards.
 Consistency
     o Following a schedule is helpful to children diagnosed with autism. For example: Having a set bed time, a set time for homework, and a set time for free time.
 Consequences & Rewards
     o If a child exhibits an inappropriate behavior, have a system of consequences in place, the same goes for rewards! If a child does his/her chores the first time you ask, give them verbal praise. It will increase the chances of that behavior happening again.
 Check-Ins
     o Check in with all those involved to see what is working or not working for the child, or for helpful ideas. That can include any doctors, the school, coaches, friends, anyone involved in the child’s life
 Age Appropriate
    o Make sure any chores, tasks, rewards, or consequences are age-appropriate for the child. Each child goes through different developmental stages, so it is important to make sure that child understands.
 Effectiveness
    o If a child loves watching television, then that would be appropriate to reward them with, or to take away television time as a consequence. If a child doesn’t normally watch a lot of television, than there may be a better incentive to reward them with to increase their motivation.
 Talk
    o Talk to each other. It is important to have open communication.
 Self Care
    o Parenting a child is stressful, it is important for both parents to take time to care for themselves and de-stress.

During National Autism Awareness Week, Reach is offering the first session free to anyone with a family member diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. To schedule an appointment , please contact Pfeiffer Institute Reach today: (919) 941-2900 or www.pfeifferreach.org.

Tips on Parenting in the Adolescent Years

by Jacquie Beech, Reach Therapist Intern

There’s a big difference between parenting a child who is 12 versus one who is 18, and certainly it’s best to use these tips sooner than later.  But anytime is a good time to start changing behavior for the better!  The following tips are meant to be used as suggestions and do not take the place of therapy or emergency procedures – should the need arise.

1)  Open Doors.  The adolescent years, in particular, present real life ethical dilemmas for our kids to practice their decision-making, gain information about important topics, and develop their own values.  If you want to be a resource to help your adolescent in these areas, this won’t spontaneously occur WHEN the situation arises.  Plant lots of seeds about your desire to be available and be sure to walk the walk when it happens.  Don’t get carried away on the soap box on every little thing.  The smaller dilemmas may be a testing ground for them to see that you really mean you are there to be a resource for their development.  Here’s the caveat to that…

2)  Remove Doors.  “Opening Doors’ does NOT mean to be a door mat.  When there’s a behavior that is punishable, follow through.  One of the most effective punishments I have seen (and heard from adolescents) is the removal of their door.  Keep in mind that punishment is most effective when it is immediate, consistent, and appropriate. (And, the Goldilocks principle of “just right” applies here – long enough to make the point, but not too long where they figure out that being extremely LOUD in their room will want to make you put the door back on.)

That is, the punishment should fit the crime and if you SAY you are going to punish for X offense, DO it so they know your word is valid.  And, one warning seems reasonable.  For example, slamming their bedroom door may be such an offense in your home.  Let the adolescent know the door will be removed if there is another incident of slamming it.  (I recommend once you voice the warning, check to make sure you have the tools to remove the door and have a place in mind for where you will store the door once you remove it – as it really takes away the sting if you have to walk around the house looking for a place to put said door!)  Now, in relation to that…

3)  Reinforcement Usually Works Better than Punishment.  While punishment aims at decreasing an undesired behavior, reinforcement seeks to shape the desired one.  Refer to the bumper sticker you’ve likely seen, “Wag more; bark less.”

Incidentally, if we are barking less, we have more time to…

4)  Listen Listen Listen.  Adolescents are not typically known for initiating rich, flowing, lengthy conversations with parents (although some do!).  However, when they do talk – listen.  When you have the opportunity to hear them talking with their friends – listen.  When you are tempted to say what they’re doing wrong and how you suggest they do it better – just listen.  Keep listening.  Their brains are on fire developing during this time and they need to talk it out.  Be an example in how you live your life – they see it.  They see everything even if they don’t say it.  But in the meantime, practice listening so you can learn more about who your child is and how he/she is developing.  Once they see that you genuinely want to hear what they have to say, they just might want to…

5)  Spend Time Together.  Many adolescents typically don’t like engaging in endless (or any) conversation about chores, grades, homework, etc., even though that may be a necessary evil.  But they do like to hang out with their parent(s) in casual, low-key, fun ways.  Pay attention to what your child likes to do – perhaps a TV show you have in common.   Try to begin a ritual where you do it together and purposely DON’T talk about any of the above mentioned topics – just enjoy each other.  Start out in small increments where you both enjoy it and then walk away and look forward to the next time.

Our time with our kids seems to get cut exponentially once they become teenagers.  And, realistically we may know progressively less about how they spend their time.  For many parents, during the elementary and middle school years, you used to drop them off places and talk to other parents and stay very involved.  That may likely become scarce as their independence grows.  We just have to find different ways to stay involved as they become adults and learn to handle their lives on their own. It is the natural order of things (even if we feel we could do a better job of living their life :)

Come see us at Reach where we will help you to adjust to the changing needs of you, your child, and your family as everyone develops and grows.

Can a Kid in a Candy Store Be Rational?

by Nate Sawyer, Reach Therapist Intern

     I was walking through the grocery store the other day when all of the sudden I heard this horrible shrieking and yelling. The noise was so loud, sustained, and obnoxious that I had to find it’s source. I peered around the corner of the cereal isle like a spy trying not to be too obvious. I saw what appeared to be a four or five year old boy flailing around on the floor and screaming. He was violent as if someone had stabbed him in the back with a knife! The child was reaching for something that his parents would not allow him to have. His parents were clearly not giving into his demands, so as he followed them walking away, I thought the war was over; nope it was only getting started. The child continued screaming and yelling following his parents around the store yelling so loud that everyone could hear his every move. I must say that this was probably the closest to a shopping trip from hell that I have ever experienced.

     But what does a parent do? Do they give in to stop the carnage or fight the good fight as they lose their hearing and dignity slowly?
   
      Every parent has likely encountered a similar battle at some point in his or her child-rearing career. How should I respond, do I respond, how can I keep my cool? For many parents, the response is one of mirroring their child by yelling, “because I said so,” or ignoring them, much like the incident in the grocery store. What should the response be? I suggest that ignoring or taking what appears to be the easy way out, is not the answer. Many children are developing their emotions and cognitions craving someone to explain, reason, and create boundaries with their growing intellect. The parent needs to be clear with the child why they are not getting what they want. I realize that this is easier said then done. In the heat of the moment, it is important for parents to not simply just react. Being proactive in incidents such as these can serve as a teaching moment for the growing little one. These teaching moments can help a kid in a candy store be rational and possibly spare embarrassing tantrums in the future.

Parenting through the Holidays

FREE WORKSHOP 12/4/13 FROM 5:30-6:30pm: PARENTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

Join us at Pfeiffer Institute Reach on Wednesday, December 4, from 5:30-6:30. You may be on your way home from work or school, worrying about getting through the evening and getting everything done before tomorrow. If you stop, though, and take this time to plan the kinds of things you'd like to do with -- the way you'd like to be with -- your children, you will notice that your holidays will be more what you want, instead of just reacting to what happens. At the workshop, you will have the opportunity to learn some parenting tips, as well as brainstorm about what you want to do for your specific situation. Whatever your goal, come to Reach on Wednesday, December 4, from 5:30 - 6:30. The hour you spend with us can make a positive difference for your holiday season!

Parenting: Being the "Bad Guy"

by Byron Coley, Reach Therapist Intern

Being a parent is perhaps the most rewarding, and important relationship one can have.  Not only will the parent/guardian have a significant effect on the child’s life, the child will also have an equal influence on the life of the parent.  For this reason, it is of dire importance that parents raise their children in a manner that prepares them for life outside of “home,” and to also instill in them qualities such as: respect, courtesy, obedience, compassion, and benevolence.   

Especially in the case of single parents, particularly those who have children at a relatively young age, it is not uncommon for parent-child bond to be very close-knit, or even enmeshed.  This is by no means a negative quality to have in any kind of relationship (being close to one another).  However, individuals must understand their role in whatever type of relationship they are in, which can begin by constructing a detailed image of how they view that role.  While is it great to have a friendly rapport with your children, it can become harmful to the relationship when a parents’ kindness is misinterpreted or exploited.    

Children naturally have a high level of curiosity, and will often test their boundaries; particularly ones put in place by their parents.  This is not reason to label a child “bad” or a “problem child.”  In fact this is an essential part of child development, and allows the child to learn what is right and wrong.  These lessons come from their environment as a whole, but parents also play a very special role in this part of development.  While it may be difficult to chastise, or as some parents describe as “being the bad guy,” it is such a significant facet of the child’s life.

Parents are responsible for showing their children unconditional love, but are also charged with teaching them principles, which will often entail telling them when are wrong.  Though it may be easier to be the “good guy,” parents must realize that their children will have plenty of friends in their lifetime.  What children need from their parent(s) is something that cannot be easily replaced.  The values that they receive from their parent(s) will accompany them throughout their lifetime.  As you are creating your image of how you view parenting, consider that everything you will do for them, whether they like it or not, is done out of love.  

One day, when your children are adults, your relationship with them will change.  They will realize all that you have done for them and will be thankful for the times you lifted them up, and also for times in which you were tough on them.