Adult Children of Addicts

by Milliann Abrams, Reach Therapist Intern

The field of Marriage and Family therapy takes a systemic approach when viewing an issue. For example, when a family member is sick, we see that the illness and its impact spread further than the individual. This is exemplified in the research of adult children of alcoholics or addicts (ACoA). There is an assumption that if an alcoholic gets well, then the family will get well. This outdated belief focuses on the individual problem but not its impact on those close to the individual.

Research shows that growing up with an addicted parent has a profound influence on a child’s thoughts, attitudes, perceptions, feelings, worldview, etc. In addition, half of the children grow up to also suffer from an addiction themselves. Why does this happen? They do not drink. It is because the impact of another’s drinking still has an impact on us. We develop an experience with alcohol, even after the addiction is treated, even after we grow up. We see this systemic impact.

Reading this and wonder if you are an ACoA? Here are some common identifying traits:
1. ACoA guess at what normal behavior is.
2. ACoA have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. ACoA lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. ACoA judge themselves without mercy.
5. ACoA have difficulty having fun.
6. ACoA take themselves very seriously.
7. ACoA have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. ACoA overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. ACoA constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. ACoA usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. ACoA are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
12. ACoA are super responsible or super irresponsible.
13. ACoA are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

All of the research on ACoA shows different backgrounds, races, ethnicities, genders, and ages, but one common theme is commitment to self-growth. For additional information, help with self-growth, or to talk to someone familiar with this population set up an appointment with a Pfeiffer Institute Reach Therapist Intern today at (919) 941-2900 or go to pfeifferreach.org.
Information summarized from Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woitiz.

SPECIAL ANNOUCEMENT: On Thursday, July 10, Pfeiffer Institute Reach will host the first in a series of workshops about ACoA. The workshop is for family, friends, relatives, and employers of addicts. It will be a time to learn and talk about what happens to the children of addicts when they grow up, and what it means to be the child of an addict. Attendees will gain knowledge, understanding, and life skills. To reserve your place at the workshop, contact Pfeiffer Institute Reach at 919-941-2900 or contact@pfeifferreach.org.

Help! My Child is Diagnosed with ADD!

by Nate Sawyer, Reach Therapist Intern

      What do you do when your child’s teacher sends home a note that says she keeps acting up in class and cannot complete her work? She talks to other children too much, cannot pay attention, and will not complete her schoolwork. Parents often go to one of two extremes: "that is not my kid causing trouble, she just has an overzealous teacher, [child] just has too much energy," or "I cannot deal with her anymore, let's get her to the doctor and see if we can get some medicine!" Unfortunately, many well-meaning parents end up getting ADHD medication for their children from doctors willing to prescribe without trying the most difficult route of affecting their child's behaviors at home. As a therapist and husband to first grade teacher, I see this disturbing trend of over-medicated children. My wife has said that many of her teacher and educational researcher colleagues agree that much of what children are expected to learn in our educational system, especially in elementary school, is not always developmentally age appropriate.
So what do you do when your child is overly energetic? There are a few helpful behavior encouragement techniques to try at home before going to the doctor. In school, teachers often set-up a reward system where stickers are earned for good behavior after a certain agreed upon number are acquired the child receives a prize from the prize box. The most important aspects of this system are clear communication of expectations, follow through, and consistency. It is important for parents to make a big deal and celebrate desired behavior because it will encourage continued good behavior.
       Our technologically-driven society has encouraged a lot less physical activity or time outside, which can lead to much unused energy in children from sitting on the couch watching TV. Parents should schedule regular outdoor play or physical activity into their child's routine.
      Establishing a routine of eating, sleeping, play, and homework is crucial to helping children focus and have continuity in what they do. Children need to be given tasks and goals such as homework or chores to learn how to feel accomplished and how to follow through with projects. The sticker system is helpful to reward completed tasks. It is especially important to give children with tendencies of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD tasks to complete because this is often difficult for them to see things to completion.
       If you try some of these activities and still notice that your child has difficulty paying attention at home and school then you might want to talk to your child's pediatrician about therapy or medication. Medication can be helpful for some who cannot focus, but in order for it to be successful it requires some parenting work, as well. We help lots of parents at Reach, with all kinds of parenting issues. Hang in there parents; talk to their teacher, work with them at home, get some support at Reach, and your hard work might pay off. The difficulty for parents with hyperactive children is often the amount of patience required for the task! Hang in there parents, keep up the hard work, and think of the potential your little one holds!

Raising a Child with Autism: Helpful Tips and Coping Strategies

By Leah Leynor, Reach Therapist Intern 

If you are raising a child with Autism you may often feel stressed, lonely, overwhelmed, and uncertain of what challenges might await you in the days, weeks, or months ahead. Many days might seem like a balancing act as you are trying to focus upon your autistic child as well as the needs of your other family members. It may also seem as though you are misunderstood and that others around do not seem to understand the effects that autism has had upon your family’s life. According to one parent of a special needs child on what she wished the others knew, “I would probably say the stress and impact that autism has on a family structure and marriages. You have to be care giver, therapist, educator, lawyer, maid, and referee at all times your marriage is impacted because you have no energy for one another. You feel guilty because you feel you are neglecting your typical child in some way or fashion because you are doing so much for your autistic child.”

We at Pfeiffer Institute Reach are here to help you find support, develop productive methods to communicate with your spouse and others, and learn strategies to include siblings that will help strengthen family relationships. We will also help you figure out what is or is not working in your routine and schedule that may prove beneficial in providing some of the stability and structure that helps your autistic child to cope with his / her day as well as allows your family to function. We are able to also assist you in working on behavior plans that may include consequences/rewards or incentive charts to promote positive behaviors in your children. It is our hope that you are able to feel supported, understood, and empowered as you continue your journey parenting a child with autism.

If you are impacted by raising a child with Autism, we at Pfeiffer Institute Reach are happy to help you by providing support, education, and coping strategies as you work towards a positive future with your child. Contact Pfeiffer Institute Reach today at 919-941-2900 to RSVP for our free workshop on Raising a Child with Autism: Helpful Tips and Coping Strategies on Thursday, May 22nd and May 24th from 6-8pm.  We look forward to working with you!

Pets for Companionship

by Liberty D. Riley, Reach Therapist Intern

There may be times in our lives when we are either too busy to have an intimate relationship or we just don’t want one. Perhaps our last relationship ended terribly and we’re still reeling from the pain, or maybe we are at a point in our lives when we are busy proving to the world (and ourselves) that we have things under control. We’re doing it. We’re independent. We don’t need anyone… until the time comes when proving to ourselves just how self-sufficient we are actually becomes a little lonely.

How do we deal with those evenings when our friends are busy, on vacation, or just not able to hang out and chat?  What can help this temporary feeling of loneliness? For some of us, our pets are the cure for those now and again blues.

Coming home from a long day at school or work can be made so much better when you have a loving pet waiting for you at the door. (Even cats get excited their owner is home – though they may not always act like it.) Pets are said to add years to our lives, as well as happiness to our hearts.  Their unconditional love reminds us that we are lovable and capable of loving, and as they help us remember our ability to love, their constant needing to be cleaned up after can help us stay grounded and remember that we actually do have a responsibility to another living being.

Pets are a commitment. The decision to get a pet is the decision to commit your life to this animal for however long he (or she) lives. It is making sure he stays healthy, gets his shots, is groomed, and well taken care of. More than anything, it is making sure he is loved and happy. If you can make a commitment to love another being for its entire lifetime, you are committing to something that can be time-consuming, exhausting, and so very rewarding.

Whether you get a puppy in its teething and potty-training stage (pure frustration), or get a kitten who enjoys climbing up drapes and clawing every piece of furniture you own (ugh), being a pet owner is not always easy and it is certainly not always cheap. However, the companionship you get from a dog or a cat is almost always amazing. If you don’t have the time or patience for a “baby,” consider adopting an older pet. Although they may come with their own issues, they are often easier (and less expensive to adopt!) than very young animals.

How does one become a successful pet parent? There are no set rules, but here are a few quick tips on better pet parenting.

1. Feed the little guy. Make sure your pet is always fed nutritious food and has fresh water available at all times.

2. Keep her healthy. Make sure she stays clean, gets her shots, is groomed, and has her yearly exams every single year. Have your vet on speed dial. Be very aware of how your pet acts normally, and take her to the vet if she doesn't seem to be acting like herself.

3. Play. Animals have energy and they need to release it! The best way for this to occur is for you to make time to play with your pet, take him for walk, go to the dog park, get a box and throw paper balls into it - cats love that and it’s cheap!

4. Love, love, love them. Whether your pet is young or old, the one thing they need more than anything (other than food and water), is love. You are their world; they love you and just want that love given back to them.

Pets can be work, but the love they give and the companionship they offer just might be what you need.

If you want to work on becoming more independent, or if you’re reeling from the pain of a break-up, or even the loss of a pet, the therapist interns at Pfeiffer Institute Reach are available to help you be the best you, just call us for an appointment at (919) 941-2900.