Overcoming Infidelity

Byron Coley, Reach Therapist Intern

Research has found that the ability to forgive is an essential component in relationships.  An attachment injury such as infidelity creates a rupture in the relationship, which can result in distrust and perplexity regarding the state of the relationship (Schade & Sandberg, 2012). It is a violation of trust that brings the nature of the whole relationship into question and must be resolved if the relationship is to survive. Therefore the question is, how do couples restore emotional closeness, and rebuild trust loss as a result of infidelity?

Forgiveness
Forgiveness has been found to aid in repairing broken relationships and in “healing inner emotional wounds” (Wade et al., 2005). Research has found forgiveness to be an intrapersonal process, in which victims let go of their adverse thoughts and feelings for the offending person and, according to Wade et al., “gains some measure of acceptance for the events, which might also be accompanied by positive feelings for that person” (p. 634).

Spirituality, trust, and forgiveness
According to Wolfinger and Wilcox (2008), spirituality increases relationship-enhancing behaviors such as willingness to forgive and sexual faithfulness, in addition to reports of perceived relationship satisfaction. Not only does spirituality have an influence on partner faithfulness and one’s willingness to forgive, Lambert et al. (2012) suggested that there is a positive relationship between prayer, trust, participating in joint religious activities, and relationship commitment.  By participating together in prayer, Lambert et al. (2012) found that couples develop a stronger sense of unity and trust within one another. Prayer may also be instrumental in restoring unity following a conflict.  In a study examining the phenomenological experience of prayer during marital conflict, Butler, Stout, and Gardner (2002) found that prayer encouraged spouses to shift their focus from their own individual needs to the needs of the relationship and to behaviors beneficial to their partner.  

Even if a couple is not spiritual, I believe there are still parts of this research that may still be useful to them. Couples can become involved with each other in other ways that can help improve their perceived relationship satisfaction. Couples should sit down and discuss activities they can do with one another to build trust, and relationships satisfaction. If you would like some help with these conversations, contact Pfeiffer Institute Reach today!

References:
Butler, M. H., Stout, J. A., & Gardner, B. C. (2002). Prayer as a conflict resolution ritual:Clinical implications of religious couples’ report of relationship softening, healing perspective, and change responsibility. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 30, 19-37. http://dx.doi.org/Retrieved from
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., LaVallee, D. C., & Brantley, C. W. (2012). Praying together and staying together: Couple prayer and trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 4(1), 1-9. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0023060
Schade, L. C., & Sandberg, J. G. (2012). Healing the attachment injury of marital infidelity using emotionally focused couples therapy: A case illustration. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40, 434-444. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2011.631374
Wade, N. G., Bailey, D. C., & Shaffer, P. (2005). Helping clients heal: Does forgiveness make a difference? Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 36(6), 634-641. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.36.6.634
Wolfinger, N., & Wilcox, W. (2008). Happy ever after? Religion, marital status, gender and relationship quality in urban families. Social Forces, 86, 1311-1337. http://dx.doi.org/

Meaning Making with Grief

by Hope Harris, Reach Therapist Intern

      Grief is a typical response to loss; more specifically, a reaction to losing someone or something with which/whom you have formed a bond.  Although those grieving are normally focused on the emotional response to loss, there are also physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, philosophical responses to grief. Most people associate grieving with the death of a loved one; however, people can experience a variety of losses throughout their lifetime, such as unemployment, ill health, or the end of a relationship. 

How people cope with grief is different in every circumstance. What research has shown is that the spiritual aspect of coping is very important in relation to finding meaning behind whatever loss they are experiencing. Miller (2007) found that 90% of people in the United States identify themselves as religious or spiritual. When coping with grief, people often times turn to religion of some sort. Pargament and Abu Raiya (2007) suggest that this could be due to the lack of resources our world has to offer; and religion helps explain things people cannot seem to understand. 

So, how does meaning make a difference when coping after experiencing a loss? Murphey  (2008) believes that making meaning is a clear part of the coping process. Humans are constantly forming meaning to better understand themselves and life, to generate purpose, and to shape goals and expectations for the future. Research is showing that when people turn to religion or spirituality after a loss, they are able to find more positive meanings connected to their experience, and therefore are better able to cope with the situation. Since we know that making meaning is beneficial to positively coping with loss, it seems that when one is grieving, they should consider learning more about spirituality or religion.

References

Miller, M. (2007). The spiritual side of recovery. Harvard Mental Health Letter ,23,6.

Murphy, S. A. (2008). The loss of a child: Sudden death and extended illness perspectives. In

M.S. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, H. Schut, & W. Stroebe (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement

research and practice: Advances in theory and intervention  (pp. 375–395). Washington,

DC: American Psychological Association.

Pargament, K. I., & Abu Raiya, H. (2007). A decade of research on the psychology of religion

and coping: Things we assumed and lessons we learned. Psyke & Logos,  28, 742–766.