Allowing Ourselves to Grieve

by Liberty Riley, Reach Therapist Intern

We all experience grief at some point in our lives. It can be grief for the loss of a family pet, grief for the dreams we once had, or it can be grief over the loss of a loved one. The one thing in common with all types of grief is that it hurts.

Because we all grieve differently and in our own time frame, the pain related to our loss may occur immediately, intermittently over the years, or it may sneak up on us when we least expect it. Maybe while looking through a photo album you see a picture of your lost loved one, and the tears flow and the emotions are real, and the pain is raw.

Often, we don’t know how to deal with such heavy emotions. Some of us can compartmentalize and keep the pain separate from our everyday responsibilities, but some of us cannot separate ourselves from the pain of our loss and the memories of our loved one. We are left feeling alone and empty and wondering what to do and how to move forward.

The most important thing to remember is that regardless of how strongly or how long you feel your pain, it is your pain, and it is not abnormal to feel sad for an extended period of time. No one can control how long you hurt, even you can’t control it. There is hope though, and there are ways to work through your pain.

First, we must allow ourselves to experience all of the emotions involved with loss. We have to let ourselves feel sad because our loved one is no longer here. We are allowed to feel anger and hurt, sorrow and loneliness; we are even allowed to feel relief that our loved one no longer hurts and feel happiness at memories we may have shared. None of these feelings are abnormal. It is okay to allow yourself to feel these emotions, and to allow yourself time to heal.

The one thing we cannot let ourselves do in our grief, is get stuck. Often, we are so sad that we forget to remember that we are still alive; we still have responsibilities and people who love us and who need our love. We cannot let ourselves be so bound with pain that we let it wrap itself around us and take us with it. No. We must continue to live our lives and learn how to live without the one we lost. This is not an easy thing to do, but you can do it and we can help.

If you find yourself stuck in sadness and unable to get through the loss of someone you loved, please contact the Pfeiffer Institute Reach at (919) 941-2900, we will go through this with you. You are not alone.

Meaning Making with Grief

by Hope Harris, Reach Therapist Intern

      Grief is a typical response to loss; more specifically, a reaction to losing someone or something with which/whom you have formed a bond.  Although those grieving are normally focused on the emotional response to loss, there are also physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, philosophical responses to grief. Most people associate grieving with the death of a loved one; however, people can experience a variety of losses throughout their lifetime, such as unemployment, ill health, or the end of a relationship. 

How people cope with grief is different in every circumstance. What research has shown is that the spiritual aspect of coping is very important in relation to finding meaning behind whatever loss they are experiencing. Miller (2007) found that 90% of people in the United States identify themselves as religious or spiritual. When coping with grief, people often times turn to religion of some sort. Pargament and Abu Raiya (2007) suggest that this could be due to the lack of resources our world has to offer; and religion helps explain things people cannot seem to understand. 

So, how does meaning make a difference when coping after experiencing a loss? Murphey  (2008) believes that making meaning is a clear part of the coping process. Humans are constantly forming meaning to better understand themselves and life, to generate purpose, and to shape goals and expectations for the future. Research is showing that when people turn to religion or spirituality after a loss, they are able to find more positive meanings connected to their experience, and therefore are better able to cope with the situation. Since we know that making meaning is beneficial to positively coping with loss, it seems that when one is grieving, they should consider learning more about spirituality or religion.

References

Miller, M. (2007). The spiritual side of recovery. Harvard Mental Health Letter ,23,6.

Murphy, S. A. (2008). The loss of a child: Sudden death and extended illness perspectives. In

M.S. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, H. Schut, & W. Stroebe (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement

research and practice: Advances in theory and intervention  (pp. 375–395). Washington,

DC: American Psychological Association.

Pargament, K. I., & Abu Raiya, H. (2007). A decade of research on the psychology of religion

and coping: Things we assumed and lessons we learned. Psyke & Logos,  28, 742–766.