Good Grief

by Annette Snider, Reach Therapist Intern

Good Grief! Where did that saying originate?

 It has been suggested that “Good Grief” is probably a censored expression used as a euphemism for “Good God" or "Good Lord”. Something said when a person is annoyed or irritated.  Interestingly, being annoyed or irritated may be indicators that you may be dealing with issues of grief. We typically consider grief to be an appropriate emotion when we have lost a love one, which it is. However, a person can experience the symptoms of grief for a whole host of reasons. A few of those reasons could be a loss of a job, loss of a pet, loss of a friendship, loss of a personal dream or a romantic relationship. The loss of anything important to you could cause feelings of grief.

With a loss there are often unspoken expectations as to how long it should take for you to “get over it.” Grief is a healthy emotion that is also a good marker in the days, weeks, and months following a loss to assess your recovery process. Unfortunately for some, if recovering from your loss doesn’t happen in the culturally prescribed amount of time it can feel pretty lonely and isolating. Grief that has not been processed or has been suppressed can cause increased irritability, numbness, bitterness, detachment, preoccupation with loss, and an inability to show or experience joy. Grief can manifest in your physical body as well, headaches, digestive problems, fatigue, chest pains, and sore muscles may be symptoms of prolonged grief.

 Loss isn’t something most people can walk away from without an emotional response. Grief is the emotional reaction experienced when someone or something you love has been removed from you. The intensity of the grief is based on the individual and the significance of their loss.  If you or someone you know is struggling with a loss, we at Pfeiffer Institute Reach want to be a resource you can come to for help. Do your grief some good and give us a call (919) 941-2900 or send an email to pfeiffer.reach@pfeiffer.edu.

You Do Not Have to Walk Alone

by Liberty Riley, Reach Therapist Intern

Losing someone you love is hard. Death is never, ever easy. Even when death brings the relief of long-lived pain, it begins a lifetime of hurt, ache, and sadness for those who cared for and loved the person who passed away. Making things even more difficult are the anniversaries: the birthday that is no longer, the date of death, holidays, and personal anniversaries. Life seems to be fraught with reminders of a life once lived and a life now lost.

Being the person who lost a parent, child, sibling, or beloved friend, the pain is real and the loss is deep. Sometimes we try to move forward not knowing how to fill the void that now exists where that person once lived. We can be left feeling orphaned, sad, lonely, angry, confused, and sometimes, depressed.

How do we move out of the pain of our loss and move into a place where we can celebrate a life lived?  How can we put one foot in front of the other in order to honor the person we loved so much?

These questions are not easily answered, but they are often asked. The truth is, the pain of our losses may last a lifetime, but most likely, a time will come when we are able to realize that we are not living without the person we loved, we are simply living with him or her differently. They are no longer in the physical realm, but they are in our mental realm; they are in our hearts, our memories, and our thoughts. If we keep people alive inside of us, they can never be truly gone.

If you have suffered the loss of someone you loved and you need help putting one foot in front of the other, please contact a therapist intern at Pfeiffer Institute Reach at (919) 941-2900. We will walk through this time of pain with you; you do not have to get through this difficult time alone.

Allowing Ourselves to Grieve

by Liberty Riley, Reach Therapist Intern

We all experience grief at some point in our lives. It can be grief for the loss of a family pet, grief for the dreams we once had, or it can be grief over the loss of a loved one. The one thing in common with all types of grief is that it hurts.

Because we all grieve differently and in our own time frame, the pain related to our loss may occur immediately, intermittently over the years, or it may sneak up on us when we least expect it. Maybe while looking through a photo album you see a picture of your lost loved one, and the tears flow and the emotions are real, and the pain is raw.

Often, we don’t know how to deal with such heavy emotions. Some of us can compartmentalize and keep the pain separate from our everyday responsibilities, but some of us cannot separate ourselves from the pain of our loss and the memories of our loved one. We are left feeling alone and empty and wondering what to do and how to move forward.

The most important thing to remember is that regardless of how strongly or how long you feel your pain, it is your pain, and it is not abnormal to feel sad for an extended period of time. No one can control how long you hurt, even you can’t control it. There is hope though, and there are ways to work through your pain.

First, we must allow ourselves to experience all of the emotions involved with loss. We have to let ourselves feel sad because our loved one is no longer here. We are allowed to feel anger and hurt, sorrow and loneliness; we are even allowed to feel relief that our loved one no longer hurts and feel happiness at memories we may have shared. None of these feelings are abnormal. It is okay to allow yourself to feel these emotions, and to allow yourself time to heal.

The one thing we cannot let ourselves do in our grief, is get stuck. Often, we are so sad that we forget to remember that we are still alive; we still have responsibilities and people who love us and who need our love. We cannot let ourselves be so bound with pain that we let it wrap itself around us and take us with it. No. We must continue to live our lives and learn how to live without the one we lost. This is not an easy thing to do, but you can do it and we can help.

If you find yourself stuck in sadness and unable to get through the loss of someone you loved, please contact the Pfeiffer Institute Reach at (919) 941-2900, we will go through this with you. You are not alone.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year -- Or is it? A Holiday Survival Guide

by Mackenzie Toland, Reach Therapist Intern

It’s that time of year again. Time for turkey, holiday parties, and, oh yeah, stress. For many people holidays are full of great memories and happy families. Unfortunately, that is not the experience of everyone. There are many people suffering at holiday time because of family loss, financial burden, and unrealistic expectations. Below, you will find some helpful tips that will help you keep the ‘happy’ in ‘Happy Holidays.’

Dealing with Holiday Stress:

Coming down with a case of the Grinch? Take some time for yourself. It is important to do things that you like to do even during the season of giving. Make a list of healthy things that you do to help you relax and make a point to do them as a well deserved gift to yourself.

Dealing with Depression:

You may have been invited to a holiday party but the winter blues have you bogged down. Try and resist the urge to close your blinds and lock yourself in your house with a box of tissues. Recruit a close friend to go with you to the party so that you aren’t feeling left out. Try turning up your favorite tunes in the car on the way there to get you in the right mood.

Dealing with Loss:

You may have just lost a loved one and are dreading the approaching holiday season. You may not have a loved one near to share Thanksgiving with. Consider a ‘Friendsgiving’, a day when you thank your friends for the love and support that they have for you during this difficult time.

Dealing with Financial Burden:

The holidays can be stressful, especially on your wallet. Some great solutions that are always options are Secret Santa and making gifts for someone. There is nothing more wonderful than a batch of homemade cookies. One thing that would be great to do would be to take an afternoon and volunteer at a local soup kitchen. You will be able to help first hand those truly in need and be able to give them one of the greatest gifts of all, your time.

Engaged or Newly Married:

The first holiday season together is a particularly difficult situation to navigate. Who’s holiday do we celebrate? Where do we go? How much do we spend on our friends and family?  So many questions to work through with your significant other and unfortunately, you may not be agreeing. Work together to make a schedule that fulfills both partners’ needs. You could also create a new holiday tradition with your new family together. Whatever you choose, don’t forget the most important thing, to love each other.

The holidays can be a very stressful time and hopefully the tips above are helpful for you. Try and remember what has been helpful for you in the past and you can find the strength within yourself to get through it. Having some extra support is always helpful as well. Pfeiffer institute reach has the support you need tailored to you. See you soon!

Meaning Making with Grief

by Hope Harris, Reach Therapist Intern

      Grief is a typical response to loss; more specifically, a reaction to losing someone or something with which/whom you have formed a bond.  Although those grieving are normally focused on the emotional response to loss, there are also physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, philosophical responses to grief. Most people associate grieving with the death of a loved one; however, people can experience a variety of losses throughout their lifetime, such as unemployment, ill health, or the end of a relationship. 

How people cope with grief is different in every circumstance. What research has shown is that the spiritual aspect of coping is very important in relation to finding meaning behind whatever loss they are experiencing. Miller (2007) found that 90% of people in the United States identify themselves as religious or spiritual. When coping with grief, people often times turn to religion of some sort. Pargament and Abu Raiya (2007) suggest that this could be due to the lack of resources our world has to offer; and religion helps explain things people cannot seem to understand. 

So, how does meaning make a difference when coping after experiencing a loss? Murphey  (2008) believes that making meaning is a clear part of the coping process. Humans are constantly forming meaning to better understand themselves and life, to generate purpose, and to shape goals and expectations for the future. Research is showing that when people turn to religion or spirituality after a loss, they are able to find more positive meanings connected to their experience, and therefore are better able to cope with the situation. Since we know that making meaning is beneficial to positively coping with loss, it seems that when one is grieving, they should consider learning more about spirituality or religion.

References

Miller, M. (2007). The spiritual side of recovery. Harvard Mental Health Letter ,23,6.

Murphy, S. A. (2008). The loss of a child: Sudden death and extended illness perspectives. In

M.S. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, H. Schut, & W. Stroebe (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement

research and practice: Advances in theory and intervention  (pp. 375–395). Washington,

DC: American Psychological Association.

Pargament, K. I., & Abu Raiya, H. (2007). A decade of research on the psychology of religion

and coping: Things we assumed and lessons we learned. Psyke & Logos,  28, 742–766.