Overcoming Infidelity

Byron Coley, Reach Therapist Intern

Research has found that the ability to forgive is an essential component in relationships.  An attachment injury such as infidelity creates a rupture in the relationship, which can result in distrust and perplexity regarding the state of the relationship (Schade & Sandberg, 2012). It is a violation of trust that brings the nature of the whole relationship into question and must be resolved if the relationship is to survive. Therefore the question is, how do couples restore emotional closeness, and rebuild trust loss as a result of infidelity?

Forgiveness
Forgiveness has been found to aid in repairing broken relationships and in “healing inner emotional wounds” (Wade et al., 2005). Research has found forgiveness to be an intrapersonal process, in which victims let go of their adverse thoughts and feelings for the offending person and, according to Wade et al., “gains some measure of acceptance for the events, which might also be accompanied by positive feelings for that person” (p. 634).

Spirituality, trust, and forgiveness
According to Wolfinger and Wilcox (2008), spirituality increases relationship-enhancing behaviors such as willingness to forgive and sexual faithfulness, in addition to reports of perceived relationship satisfaction. Not only does spirituality have an influence on partner faithfulness and one’s willingness to forgive, Lambert et al. (2012) suggested that there is a positive relationship between prayer, trust, participating in joint religious activities, and relationship commitment.  By participating together in prayer, Lambert et al. (2012) found that couples develop a stronger sense of unity and trust within one another. Prayer may also be instrumental in restoring unity following a conflict.  In a study examining the phenomenological experience of prayer during marital conflict, Butler, Stout, and Gardner (2002) found that prayer encouraged spouses to shift their focus from their own individual needs to the needs of the relationship and to behaviors beneficial to their partner.  

Even if a couple is not spiritual, I believe there are still parts of this research that may still be useful to them. Couples can become involved with each other in other ways that can help improve their perceived relationship satisfaction. Couples should sit down and discuss activities they can do with one another to build trust, and relationships satisfaction. If you would like some help with these conversations, contact Pfeiffer Institute Reach today!

References:
Butler, M. H., Stout, J. A., & Gardner, B. C. (2002). Prayer as a conflict resolution ritual:Clinical implications of religious couples’ report of relationship softening, healing perspective, and change responsibility. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 30, 19-37. http://dx.doi.org/Retrieved from
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., LaVallee, D. C., & Brantley, C. W. (2012). Praying together and staying together: Couple prayer and trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 4(1), 1-9. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0023060
Schade, L. C., & Sandberg, J. G. (2012). Healing the attachment injury of marital infidelity using emotionally focused couples therapy: A case illustration. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40, 434-444. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2011.631374
Wade, N. G., Bailey, D. C., & Shaffer, P. (2005). Helping clients heal: Does forgiveness make a difference? Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 36(6), 634-641. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.36.6.634
Wolfinger, N., & Wilcox, W. (2008). Happy ever after? Religion, marital status, gender and relationship quality in urban families. Social Forces, 86, 1311-1337. http://dx.doi.org/

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year -- Or is it? A Holiday Survival Guide

by Mackenzie Toland, Reach Therapist Intern

It’s that time of year again. Time for turkey, holiday parties, and, oh yeah, stress. For many people holidays are full of great memories and happy families. Unfortunately, that is not the experience of everyone. There are many people suffering at holiday time because of family loss, financial burden, and unrealistic expectations. Below, you will find some helpful tips that will help you keep the ‘happy’ in ‘Happy Holidays.’

Dealing with Holiday Stress:

Coming down with a case of the Grinch? Take some time for yourself. It is important to do things that you like to do even during the season of giving. Make a list of healthy things that you do to help you relax and make a point to do them as a well deserved gift to yourself.

Dealing with Depression:

You may have been invited to a holiday party but the winter blues have you bogged down. Try and resist the urge to close your blinds and lock yourself in your house with a box of tissues. Recruit a close friend to go with you to the party so that you aren’t feeling left out. Try turning up your favorite tunes in the car on the way there to get you in the right mood.

Dealing with Loss:

You may have just lost a loved one and are dreading the approaching holiday season. You may not have a loved one near to share Thanksgiving with. Consider a ‘Friendsgiving’, a day when you thank your friends for the love and support that they have for you during this difficult time.

Dealing with Financial Burden:

The holidays can be stressful, especially on your wallet. Some great solutions that are always options are Secret Santa and making gifts for someone. There is nothing more wonderful than a batch of homemade cookies. One thing that would be great to do would be to take an afternoon and volunteer at a local soup kitchen. You will be able to help first hand those truly in need and be able to give them one of the greatest gifts of all, your time.

Engaged or Newly Married:

The first holiday season together is a particularly difficult situation to navigate. Who’s holiday do we celebrate? Where do we go? How much do we spend on our friends and family?  So many questions to work through with your significant other and unfortunately, you may not be agreeing. Work together to make a schedule that fulfills both partners’ needs. You could also create a new holiday tradition with your new family together. Whatever you choose, don’t forget the most important thing, to love each other.

The holidays can be a very stressful time and hopefully the tips above are helpful for you. Try and remember what has been helpful for you in the past and you can find the strength within yourself to get through it. Having some extra support is always helpful as well. Pfeiffer institute reach has the support you need tailored to you. See you soon!

Practice Makes Perfect

Byron Coley, Reach Therapist Intern

In order to create perfection, a person must devote time, effort, and perseverance.  Perfection is not crafted overnight, nor can it be earned by giving 50%.  Whether it is perfecting the skills involved in your favorite hobby or becoming a better spouse, sibling, child, parent, or friend, you must focus in on the part of that hobby or relationship you want to make better and practice, practice, practice.  It will also be helpful to know that even through all your efforts to better yourself you WILL make mistakes, and may occasionally feel like things will never get better.  However mistakes are normal, and the mere fact that you are able to recognize that you have made a mistake proves that you are in fact changing.

Create a realistic depiction of what perfection looks like. Becoming a better friend may mean that you want to do a better job of admitting when you’re wrong, and apologizing.  Understand that being a good friend or parent doesn't mean you will never cause harm to the relationship, or make a mistake.  Most importantly, in order to perfect yourself and your relationships with others, you must learn from past mistakes and begin to recognize your faults and weaknesses.  When a person is able and willing to admit their faults and weaknesses, they begin to take back power over things they lacked control over before.

If you have found yourself unable to create the type of change you would like to occur in yourself or your relationships, make an appointment to see a Reach therapist intern today!  Allow us to assist you in creating practices that will allow to begin taking back control of your life!