New Year; New You

by Mackenzie Toland, Reach Therapist Intern

The semester is almost over for the clinicians here at Pfeiffer Institute Reach. We are finishing up finals and starting to prepare for next semester. It is starting to feel like renewal here at school and just in time for New Years. New Years is coming up at the end of the month and it is time to start thinking up some resolutions. The New Year is a great time for change and a great time to start new beginnings.
According to the University of Scranton in 2012 the top ten most popular New Year’s Resolutions are:
1 Lose Weight
2 Getting Organized
3 Spend Less, Save More
4 Enjoy Life to the Fullest
5 Staying Fit and Healthy
6 Learn Something Exciting
7 Quit Smoking
8 Help Others in Their Dreams
9 Fall in Love
10 Spend More Time with Family

According to the same study, of the 45% of American’s who make a New Year’s Resolution only 8% follow through with them. Change is not easy as many of us know through experience. Almost all of us can probably look back at past New Years and remember our resolutions lasting either a few weeks or a few months after we made them.
Here are some helpful suggestions about how to make your New Year’s Resolution last. First things first, this list has very broad Resolutions. Broad Resolutions are great and help us to get our ideas out and general desires expressed but they don’t really hold us accountable. It is important to break our broad goal down into smaller, more realistic goals in order to make it more reasonable for ourselves.
        For example, “Getting Organized.” Let’s break it down and give ourselves a timeframe in which we can be successful.
Getting organized:
Ask yourself, ‘what do I want to get organized?’
1. The laundry room
2. The hall closet
3. My office at work
Then ask yourself, ‘what do I need to do to get organized?’
1. The laundry room- find a way to sort clothes, create space to iron, and conceal laundry soaps
2. The hall closet- organize toiletries/soaps, have matching towels, make things more accessible
2. My office at work- sort papers, create a filing system, and make materials more accessible
Alright! Now we are starting to get the hang of this, now ask yourself, ‘what do I need/need to do to achieve these goals?’ This is in bold.
1. The laundry room- find a way to sort clothes (find a hamper that sorts clothing), create space to iron (buy a smaller/hanging ironing board or move laundry room around), and conceal laundry soaps (get storage containers)
2. The hall closet- organize toiletries/soaps (get storage containers), have matching towels (sort towels by bathrooms), make things more accessible (keep extra toilet paper and towels in all the bathrooms)
2. My office at work- sort papers (sit down and sort out all the papers), create a filing system (get folders and a filing cabinet), and make materials more accessible (prioritize importance of items and put more important items closer to desk)
     Alright, now the last part is to designate a time frame that is reasonable and realistic for you. For the example above, doing one bold item every five weeks gets the whole job done in a year. If you want it all done in the beginning maybe you could take a day off of work to organize. The important thing is that it is reasonable for you and makes sense for your goal.
     Breaking down goals is a great way to make them more realistic. Remember you can do anything that you set your mind to. If you need some extra support with your resolution or help organizing your thoughts you can always come down to the Pfeiffer Institute Reach and we would be glad to give you a hand. With our affordable prices, what do you have to lose?

Make SMART Goals for Your Relationship!

by Laura Bryan, PhD, LMFT, Clinic Director

The beginning of the year is usually a time for making resolutions to improve -- your diet, your exercise, your time management, whatever the case may be. Sometimes resolutions are made to improve your relationship. Check out this podcast from Pfeiffer Institute Reach Clinic Director Laura Bryan for tips on how to make resolutions for your relationship that are likely to last all year long! If you would like help in making or keeping personal or relationship resolutions, contact Reach today: 919-941-2900 or www.pfeifferreach.org. 

Make it a great year -- Reach for a better tomorrow!

Overcoming Infidelity

Byron Coley, Reach Therapist Intern

Research has found that the ability to forgive is an essential component in relationships.  An attachment injury such as infidelity creates a rupture in the relationship, which can result in distrust and perplexity regarding the state of the relationship (Schade & Sandberg, 2012). It is a violation of trust that brings the nature of the whole relationship into question and must be resolved if the relationship is to survive. Therefore the question is, how do couples restore emotional closeness, and rebuild trust loss as a result of infidelity?

Forgiveness
Forgiveness has been found to aid in repairing broken relationships and in “healing inner emotional wounds” (Wade et al., 2005). Research has found forgiveness to be an intrapersonal process, in which victims let go of their adverse thoughts and feelings for the offending person and, according to Wade et al., “gains some measure of acceptance for the events, which might also be accompanied by positive feelings for that person” (p. 634).

Spirituality, trust, and forgiveness
According to Wolfinger and Wilcox (2008), spirituality increases relationship-enhancing behaviors such as willingness to forgive and sexual faithfulness, in addition to reports of perceived relationship satisfaction. Not only does spirituality have an influence on partner faithfulness and one’s willingness to forgive, Lambert et al. (2012) suggested that there is a positive relationship between prayer, trust, participating in joint religious activities, and relationship commitment.  By participating together in prayer, Lambert et al. (2012) found that couples develop a stronger sense of unity and trust within one another. Prayer may also be instrumental in restoring unity following a conflict.  In a study examining the phenomenological experience of prayer during marital conflict, Butler, Stout, and Gardner (2002) found that prayer encouraged spouses to shift their focus from their own individual needs to the needs of the relationship and to behaviors beneficial to their partner.  

Even if a couple is not spiritual, I believe there are still parts of this research that may still be useful to them. Couples can become involved with each other in other ways that can help improve their perceived relationship satisfaction. Couples should sit down and discuss activities they can do with one another to build trust, and relationships satisfaction. If you would like some help with these conversations, contact Pfeiffer Institute Reach today!

References:
Butler, M. H., Stout, J. A., & Gardner, B. C. (2002). Prayer as a conflict resolution ritual:Clinical implications of religious couples’ report of relationship softening, healing perspective, and change responsibility. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 30, 19-37. http://dx.doi.org/Retrieved from
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., LaVallee, D. C., & Brantley, C. W. (2012). Praying together and staying together: Couple prayer and trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 4(1), 1-9. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0023060
Schade, L. C., & Sandberg, J. G. (2012). Healing the attachment injury of marital infidelity using emotionally focused couples therapy: A case illustration. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40, 434-444. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2011.631374
Wade, N. G., Bailey, D. C., & Shaffer, P. (2005). Helping clients heal: Does forgiveness make a difference? Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 36(6), 634-641. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.36.6.634
Wolfinger, N., & Wilcox, W. (2008). Happy ever after? Religion, marital status, gender and relationship quality in urban families. Social Forces, 86, 1311-1337. http://dx.doi.org/

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year -- Or is it? A Holiday Survival Guide

by Mackenzie Toland, Reach Therapist Intern

It’s that time of year again. Time for turkey, holiday parties, and, oh yeah, stress. For many people holidays are full of great memories and happy families. Unfortunately, that is not the experience of everyone. There are many people suffering at holiday time because of family loss, financial burden, and unrealistic expectations. Below, you will find some helpful tips that will help you keep the ‘happy’ in ‘Happy Holidays.’

Dealing with Holiday Stress:

Coming down with a case of the Grinch? Take some time for yourself. It is important to do things that you like to do even during the season of giving. Make a list of healthy things that you do to help you relax and make a point to do them as a well deserved gift to yourself.

Dealing with Depression:

You may have been invited to a holiday party but the winter blues have you bogged down. Try and resist the urge to close your blinds and lock yourself in your house with a box of tissues. Recruit a close friend to go with you to the party so that you aren’t feeling left out. Try turning up your favorite tunes in the car on the way there to get you in the right mood.

Dealing with Loss:

You may have just lost a loved one and are dreading the approaching holiday season. You may not have a loved one near to share Thanksgiving with. Consider a ‘Friendsgiving’, a day when you thank your friends for the love and support that they have for you during this difficult time.

Dealing with Financial Burden:

The holidays can be stressful, especially on your wallet. Some great solutions that are always options are Secret Santa and making gifts for someone. There is nothing more wonderful than a batch of homemade cookies. One thing that would be great to do would be to take an afternoon and volunteer at a local soup kitchen. You will be able to help first hand those truly in need and be able to give them one of the greatest gifts of all, your time.

Engaged or Newly Married:

The first holiday season together is a particularly difficult situation to navigate. Who’s holiday do we celebrate? Where do we go? How much do we spend on our friends and family?  So many questions to work through with your significant other and unfortunately, you may not be agreeing. Work together to make a schedule that fulfills both partners’ needs. You could also create a new holiday tradition with your new family together. Whatever you choose, don’t forget the most important thing, to love each other.

The holidays can be a very stressful time and hopefully the tips above are helpful for you. Try and remember what has been helpful for you in the past and you can find the strength within yourself to get through it. Having some extra support is always helpful as well. Pfeiffer institute reach has the support you need tailored to you. See you soon!

Practice Makes Perfect

Byron Coley, Reach Therapist Intern

In order to create perfection, a person must devote time, effort, and perseverance.  Perfection is not crafted overnight, nor can it be earned by giving 50%.  Whether it is perfecting the skills involved in your favorite hobby or becoming a better spouse, sibling, child, parent, or friend, you must focus in on the part of that hobby or relationship you want to make better and practice, practice, practice.  It will also be helpful to know that even through all your efforts to better yourself you WILL make mistakes, and may occasionally feel like things will never get better.  However mistakes are normal, and the mere fact that you are able to recognize that you have made a mistake proves that you are in fact changing.

Create a realistic depiction of what perfection looks like. Becoming a better friend may mean that you want to do a better job of admitting when you’re wrong, and apologizing.  Understand that being a good friend or parent doesn't mean you will never cause harm to the relationship, or make a mistake.  Most importantly, in order to perfect yourself and your relationships with others, you must learn from past mistakes and begin to recognize your faults and weaknesses.  When a person is able and willing to admit their faults and weaknesses, they begin to take back power over things they lacked control over before.

If you have found yourself unable to create the type of change you would like to occur in yourself or your relationships, make an appointment to see a Reach therapist intern today!  Allow us to assist you in creating practices that will allow to begin taking back control of your life!

Parenting through the Holidays

FREE WORKSHOP 12/4/13 FROM 5:30-6:30pm: PARENTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

Join us at Pfeiffer Institute Reach on Wednesday, December 4, from 5:30-6:30. You may be on your way home from work or school, worrying about getting through the evening and getting everything done before tomorrow. If you stop, though, and take this time to plan the kinds of things you'd like to do with -- the way you'd like to be with -- your children, you will notice that your holidays will be more what you want, instead of just reacting to what happens. At the workshop, you will have the opportunity to learn some parenting tips, as well as brainstorm about what you want to do for your specific situation. Whatever your goal, come to Reach on Wednesday, December 4, from 5:30 - 6:30. The hour you spend with us can make a positive difference for your holiday season!

Spend the Holiday Honoring Your Values

by Laura Bryan, PhD, Clinic Director

The holidays are fast approaching, and with them plenty of stress! It would help to be thoughtful about making the holidays a time you honor your values -- time spent with family -- instead of joining the rush of consumerism and parties.

Easier said than done. That's why Pfeiffer Institute Reach is offering a free workshop to help you focus and consider your options. Join us at the clinic on Wednesday, November 20, from 5:30-6:30. You may be on your way home from work or school, worrying about getting through the evening and getting everything done before tomorrow. If you stop, though, and take this time to plan, you will notice that your holidays will be more what you want, instead of just reacting to what happens.

At the workshop, you will have the opportunity to learn some stress/time management hints, as well as brainstorm about what you want to do for your specific situation. Do you want to focus on honoring your relationship with your partner, expressing gratitude for the gift of being together? Do you want to help your children understand your family traditions, and why they're important to all of you? Maybe you want to be sure you enjoy your "family of choice" -- the friends who get you through the rest of the year.

Whatever your goal, come to Reach on Wednesday, November 20, from 5:30 - 6:30. The hour you spend with us can make a positive difference for your holiday season!